Opaque Lucidity

The Man Who Knew Too Much

When I was a Senior in high school, I found out something about an ex-girlfriend that really threw me for a loop. What made things worse was the fact that I had dug and dug and dug for the information and then got upset when I discovered that what I had suspected was actually true. The lesson I took away from the experience was that, sometimes, it's better to be left in the dark on some things in life.

Yesterday, I found out something about the company I work for that really upset me. In the big scheme of things it's trivial, but it means a great deal in terms of figuring out the character of the men who own this place. I have always believed that a man's character is made up of not what he does in a crisis or when the chips are down (although those times are important), but how he treats people every day, especially when the tide is rolling his way.

I did not go digging for this information; rather it was brought up in conversation because the person to whom I was speaking assumed I already knew. I was steamed all afternoon and into the evening, but at least I felt good about the fact that I didn't ask for it as I would've earlier in my life. It's thin consolation, but I need some of that right now.

In me, not so very deep down, is this urge to belong to something that is good and upstanding. That's probably one of the reasons I joined the Navy. Even when times were bad, I knew that what I did was important for national security, mom and apple pie. Now, in this place, I question that goodness. It's not that anything illegal is going on; in fact, this is probably the most law-abiding company I have ever worked for. This dirtiness is personal, which makes it hurt a little more. I now know that these men with whom I have spoken, had dinner, laughed with and, in one case, been a guest in his home, are not that different from the guys who run companies like Enron into the ground for their own enrichment while the workforce wonders how they are going to afford retirement. If I told you what the information I learned was, you might question how I can make such a leap. However, I believe that things like the Enron scandal start with personal, inconsiderate elitism and scale up from there.

And now, I will do nothing. As the saying goes, this too shall pass. But now I believe a little less in this thing, which makes me care a little less, which makes me work not quite as hard as I did the day before yesterday. One of my closeset friends told me one time that I would never have a long-term job because I get too bored doing one thing. He's right, but not for the right reason. Obviously, I'm not going to leave my job over this, but one dirty little secret will undoubtedly be followed by others. The honeymoon phase is over.

'He wanted to care, and he could not care. For he had gone away and he could never go back any more. The gates were closed, the sun was gone down, and there was no beauty but the gray beauty of steel that withstands all time. Even the grief he could have borne was left behind in the country of illusion, of youth, of the richness of life, where his winter dreams had flourished.

"Long ago," he said, "long ago, there was something in me, but now that thing is gone. Now that thing is gone, that thing is gone. I cannot cry. I cannot care. That thing will come back no more." '

Posted by Matthew at March 19, 2004 08:40 AM